As I write this, it is my 31st birthday. Another trip around the sun.
To be brutally honest, I don't have much of a desire to celebrate this year. It's not that I don't appreciate being born into this life, but things have felt different and draining.
My heart feels heavy today.
Yesterday was the funeral of my beloved Noni. I know she is no longer suffering, but she was such a big part of my life. I tried my best to be there for my parents and honor my fun grandmother through photos and the eulogy.
Today would have also been my other grandmother's 87th birthday. It's hard to celebrate without her here with me physically. I miss her everyday.
And my sister is now living 3,000 miles away.
I'm not trying to complain or be negative. But I do think it's important to share that I haven't fully felt like myself with so much change, death, and health issues. Last night the exhaustion and sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. I know it had to be released, so I let it out. This morning I write with puffy eyes and a slight headache...
I usually love birthdays. I want to get everyone together and celebrate whether it's my birthday or a loved one's. I want to make sure people feel valued and appreciated with quality time together. But as we've all gotten older and maybe married with a house and kids, it isn't as easy. It tends to feel more isolating and like we need to plan everything, even a phone call with a best friend. It's not easy to be spontaneous because there are work schedules, nap times, night classes, etc.
Even making plans with my own husband right now feels nearly impossible with him working full-time, going to school and volunteering at the fire station.
I wish I could say I'm going to get to yoga, but sometimes there is too much peace and quiet with all of these thoughts and tears wanting to flow through. Maybe I'll practice a bit at home this morning.
Instead, I am going to take it easy on myself. I now have a better understanding of why GENTLENESS is my word of the year.
I know I will feel like myself again and I just need to be patient.
I need to do things that bring me peace and joy:
1. Coach my amazing female clients because that lights up my soul and helps me to feel present.
2. Spend time with my friends to eat good food, play with their kids, and laugh.
3. Reminisce with my family about the ones we've lost the past year and a half.
4. Get outside with my dogs. (Yes, that is plural. To be continued)
5. Hibernate, read fiction, and journal.
6. And whatever else my soul pulls me to do.
So, if you've been struggling to feel like yourself and find hope right now, you are not alone. Remember that it's also the winter months, which tend to make us feel a bit unmotivated and sad.
I'm here to chat. Reach out anytime Shayna@ShaynaMahoney.com or comment below.
Registration is now open for my Winter Blues Detox! This is a perfect chance to focus for 5 days on your energy and motivation before Spring starts. I am really looking forward to helping us all go from tired to hopeful!